No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
