I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
