you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It's official drugs can't kill me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
