I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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