I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My ATM looks so different sober.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
