This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Is it because I queefed?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
