So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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