i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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