literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
