she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
