man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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