Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
