I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Two words: nipple clamps
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