this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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