eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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