my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
