remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Well I just put wine in my tea
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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