Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
