I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
