stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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