Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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