He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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