Apparently you make a good broom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I have aggressive nipples.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
