I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
