I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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