My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
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