remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
