i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
