i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
