I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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