Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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