Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
