she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
