I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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