at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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