You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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