This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
