if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
