dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
