it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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