can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
