fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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