don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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