I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
