Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
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Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
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Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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