I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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