i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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