I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
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He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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