theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
