this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
