Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
