I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
