shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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