just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
